Promoting a Family Culture of LGBTQ Inclusivity and Acceptance
On Monday, June 15, 2020, the United States saw a major victory for LGBT civil rights, as the Supreme Court declared that gay, lesbian, and transgender employees are protected from discrimination in the workplace. In the face of historic legal and cultural events such as this, many people begin to wonder how they are contributing to moving our society forward. For parents, this often means reflecting on their parenting practices and the attitudes they are modeling for their children. Fortunately, there are simple changes parents can make in the way they speak with their children and the items they expose their children to that can help normalize variability in gender expression, gender identity, and sexual orientation.
If you are looking to promote a culture of LGBT inclusivity and acceptance within your family unit, consider the following suggestions:
Diversify your family library. How children gather information and make sense of the world greatly depends on the experiences they are provided and what their parents choose to expose them to. As children grow, they learn to categorize new information, grouping things by similarity and differences. If we’re not mindful of the things we expose our children to (for example, by providing books that only depict same-race families with one mom and one dad), we can inadvertently create a mentality of “right” and “wrong” when it comes to family dynamics. One of the simplest things parents can do to promote a mindset of kindness, acceptance and inclusivity is to diversify their family libraries, including both books and media. Take an interest in watching shows and movies that depict same-sex couples in a positive light during family movie night and stock your shelves with developmentally appropriate books that highlight a variety of family units, including children who are adopted, children who have two mommys or two daddys, children who have one mommy and one daddy, and children of single parents, etc. The more diversity children are exposed to from an early age, the less likely they are to develop a potentially harmful “us vs them” mentality. It also fosters a sense of normalcy for children who may begin to question their sexual orientation as they progress through life.
Encourage individuality, regardless of gender norms. It is normal for children to experiment with gender expression throughout early childhood and adolescence. For many children, this gender exploration is just that - exploration, but for others it could mean they are grappling with the idea that they may be transgender (even if they’re too young to know what that means yet). In fact, children begin to show an understanding of their gender as early as 2-3 years of age, and this includes whether or not they feel they are the gender people tell them they are. Knowing this develops so early on, it is again important for parents to remember that how we talk to our children and what we expose them to not only shapes their understanding of what it means to be male or female, but it also greatly affects the way they see themselves and their ability to accept differences within themselves and with others. Exposing a male child to “only boy things” and a female child to “only girl things” may stunt the child’s self-expression, limit the development of various social/emotional and critical thinking skills, and instill a sense of shame if they find themself interested in items or topics more commonly associated with the opposite gender. If your little boy wants a unicorn backpack, support it. If your little girl wants to wear a bowtie, support it. By exposing your child to a variety of toys, games, books and clothing (regardless of the item's color or if it’s considered traditionally gender appropriate) and supporting their individual self discovery, you are not only creating a safe space for your child to grow into who they are, you are helping your child to see that people don’t have to fit a particular mold to be accepted.
Refrain from making assumptions about sexuality. It can be both anxiety provoking and exciting for parents as they watch their children grow into the pre-teen and teenage years, especially as their children begin to express an interest in dating. Remember during this time that how you speak to your child influences their understanding of what is acceptable or normal and what is not. For example, if you have a male teen who expresses that he likes someone and you respond with “Who is the lucky girl?,” you are demonstrating to your child that your idea of a normal relationship involves a male and a female. Instead, use more gender neutral phrases such as “Who is the lucky person?” Making the conscious effort to use gender neutral language when discussing sexuality is a simple way for parents to demonstrate that one type of relationship is not better than another. It also helps to create an environment where your teen feels safe to express who they are actually interested in instead of who they think they should be interested in.
Know that it’s okay to make mistakes. While rewarding in many ways, parenting is not an easy journey, and even with the best intentions it is important to remember that all parents make mistakes and we don’t always have the answers. We are still learning and growing too, and sometimes the best we can do is use our fumbles as learning opportunities for our children. If you make a mistake with terminology, point out your error and correct it. If you don’t know the answer to your child’s LGBT related inquiry, ask them what they think and offer to research the question together. Lead by example with openness, love and compassion and your children will follow suit.
If your child is struggling with their sexual orientation and/or gender identity, know that the therapists at FPS are here to help.
Written by: Katie Gorham, PhD, NCSP
LGBTQ friendly reading material by age:
0-3+ years:
LOVE makes a family by Sophie Beer
And Tango Makes Three by Justin Richardson, MD and Peter Parnell
Pride Colors by Robin Stevenson
Daddy, Pappa and Me by Leslea Newman
Mommy, Mama and Me by Leslea Newman
It’s Okay to Be Different by Todd Parr
4-8+ years:
Pink is For Boys by Robb Pearlman
My Princess Boy by Cheryl Kilodavis
Auntie Uncle by Ellie Royce
A Family Is a Family Is a Family by Sara O'Leary
Julián Is a Mermaid by Jessica Love
I am Jazz by Jessica Herthel and Jazz Jennings
Pride: The Story of Harvey Milk and the Rainbow Flag by Rob Sanders
From the Stars in the Sky to the Fish in the Sea By Kai Cheng Thom
Red: A Crayon’s Story By Michael Hall
8-10+ years:
The Misadventures of the Family Fletcher by Dana Alison Levy
Hurricane Child by Kheryn Callender
Ivy Aberdeen’s Letter to the World by Ashley Herring Blake
10+ years
The Whispers by Greg Howard
Middle School’s a Drag, You Better Werk! by Greg Howard
To Night Owl From Dogfish by Holly Goldberg Sloan and Meg Wolitzer
Drum Roll, Please by Lisa Jenn Bigelow
Teen/Young Adult:
We Are Okay by Nina Lacour
Hot Dog Girl by Jennifer Dugan
Being Jazz: My Life as A (transgender Teen) by Jennings, Jazz
Boy Meets Boy by David Levithan
Everything Leads to You by Nina LaCour